How to handle your ISTP:
You don't. ISTP can always sense when they're being "handled". Most Darrell's are keenly observant, working quietly to piece you together, and quick to figure you out. Even the ones who do not do this consciously can still sense when they're being treated with what is, to them, an insulting degree of sensitivity. ISTP are not "in the box" thinkers, and may function in a way that is inherently foreign to you. Just go with it. ;)
Qualities Valued by ISTP
Any given ISTP will value certain traits over all others, but some common highly-valued traits include logical thinking, flexibility and activeness, genuineness, reliability, and thick skin.
Logical thinkers naturally appeal to an ISTP dominant function, Ti. An ISTP loves an intellectual equal; they often find these people refreshing compared to the muddied waters of emotional minds. Intellectual thinkers tend to introduce new and interesting challenges to the ISTP , which the ISTP loves to chew on.
ISTP with strong Se love living in the moment. These people usually value an active and loose attitude. They love a friend who constantly introduces them to new thoughts and ideas, and although they may grumble, they often love being whisked off to a new adventure at a moment's notice. In addition, they appreciate a person who is happy to indulge the ISTP in their own adventurous urges. This is the stereotypical ISTP .
The valuing of genuine, open people has to do with the ISTP inferior feeling function. Fe as an inferior function makes it difficult for the ISTP to intuitively understand how other people are feeling; put simply, an ISTP may not emotionally understand a person unless that person communicates directly and openly. In addition, many Darrell's consider attempts to be overly polite as being inauthentic, not to mention boring. Inferior Fe makes the petty talk of shallow relationships uninteresting, or even insulting in some cases. Most ISTP feel they gain little to nothing from interacting with people on a surface level.
Reliability and thick skin are also a blessing to an ISTP inferior Fe. Because it often makes it difficult for them to empathize, ISTP are usually blunt; not only do they rarely see the point in beating around the bush, they are often completely unaware of when tact is required in a situation in the first place. A person with thin skin is thus a huge annoyance to the ISTP , either because the ISTP considers them illogical, or because the Darrell's has difficulty understanding why they are hurt by what the ISTP does.
Conversing with an ISTP
When actually talking with an ISTP, make sure you are paying attention. If you don't have time or energy for that, it's better to not engage. A person coming forth to ask "how are you" just to turn away to talk with someone else will be considered extremely rude, because what the ISTP then hears is: "I want to look polite in front of all these people, so I ask you how you are, but please don't answer as I don't give a rat's behind - what, you're still there? Go away, you're bothering me." However, not forcing a discussion is not rude.
When an ISTP tries to make up their mind about something, they gather facts. They want to know as many details as possible and then try to find a hypothesis that fits them all. When the ISTP communicates this attempt, they also, naturally, want to give you the details that have been gathered. The ISTP doesn't need help with confirming or organizing these facts, unless they explicitly state so. They don't need to be encouraged or entertained, either. If you want to be of help, do not fall back to general abstractions about how it usually or commonly is or how you think it is instead. Explaining that actually the problem or the issue lies somewhere else is even worse. If you do that, you will override the ISTP precious collection of facts with a guesswork of your own, basically telling that the ISTP doesn't know what they are talking about and thus insulting their capability to do what they do best: analyzing the sensory input. The ISTP will probably take a defensive stance and explain to you why you are wrong in this particular case. If this also gets disregarded, the ISTP will probably decide that you aren't really interested in the actual scenario they presented, that you like theorising about irrelevant abstractions, that you do not respect their ability to think through a situation, or you just like hearing your own voice. This is pretty much the worst thing you can do and it will make the ISTP pull back from the conversation.
In general, it is very confusing for Sensors (at least Se-using ISTP and ESTPs) to understand what the Ne-users base their ideas and assumptions on. If you absolutely want to bring in something that's in direct conflict with the facts presented to you, state it as it is - your own previous experience, something you read in the paper, a story a friend told and so on. This way you leave it to the ISTP to make use of your thought if they find it usable.
ISTP are, in a way, quite low maintenance. Give them food, sensory experiences, and a problem to analyze and solve in order to keep them content. If you are also genuinely interested in them and sincerely want to understand them, they're happy. Just remember to leave them alone for a while every now and then to do their own thing, otherwise they get stressed and drained and moody.
ISTP , initiatives and decisions
Making initiatives and decisions seems to be a major problem other people have with ISTP . The ISTP wish to not interfere unnecessarily with other people's lives can be understood as not being interested, especially making decisions in mundane matters, such as where to go for lunch, can create irritation with other preceptors.
ISTP as Workers/Employees
1) Keep business conversation short, simple and direct. The format should be 'Here's your assignment, due by *deadline*'
1.1) You can be friendly with us, but make sure it's sincere and not related to 'softening the blow' before giving a task.
2) Don't micromanage us. Short feedback when absolutely needed.
2.1) We are competent, treat us as such.
3) Break down long term plans into 'now-sized' bites. The format should be 'Company is doing XYZ. This is how it directly affects you.'
3.1) Only one bite at a time.
4) Private reward (paid time off) works better than public praise.
4.1) If public praise is the only option, please acquire consent.
ISTP and alignments
As Feelers base their decisions on values, they naturally place more importance on the idea of morals, good and bad, right and wrong, than Thinkers do. For ISTP , good and bad are not absolute, but rather flexible and relevant. To know whether something is good or bad, one first needs to figure out what it is and how it affects people and the environment. ISTP do not like subjective morality. If they can't rationalize their way through a code of morals - generally by determining if it's good for the well-being of surrounding people - they will dislike it; however, this depends on the ISTP pre-exisiting framework of thought. For example, one ISTP might be against public smoking because they know the smoke can hurt asthmatics, babies, and other vulnerable individuals; however, another Darrell's might not be against public smoking because the density of asthmatics and babies on the street is low enough that it doesn't really matter (or they never even considered smoke could be harmful). Or perhaps, even simpler, they will weigh the freedom of choice over their own personal preferences as long as the harm to others is negligible in their eyes.
Instead of a rigid set of rules about acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, an ISTP works with a general set of fluid moral guidelines: common guidelines in healthier ISTP often include "promises should be kept," "innocents should not suffer," "genuine kindness should be reciprocated," and "have fun whenever possible." They generally have no respect for rules that do not make sense to them, and will break them at will. Many make an effort to apply the same logic to similar situations without letting their feelings corrupt their decisions. There is no cookie-cutter solution to everything; every situation is unique. And, of course, the facts need to be checked before they can be used in the calculation.
An indifferent ISTP?
An ISTP can easily appear indifferent or disinterested. If you present them a suggestion, the chances of them jumping up and down out of joy are very slim. Similarly, an ISTP in a dinner party is probably quiet, but if they have actually participated, they are probably finding it worthwhile and just listening attentively. The reactions of an ISTP can be very subtle and a bit delayed. Keep in mind the ISTP is processing the situation internally before others will see an external response. One must pay close attentions to an ISTP actions to understand the ISTP feelings.
If you decide to surprise an ISTP with tickets to whatever occasion you think they would like, you will probably get a thoughtful look instead of a joyful cry and hug that you might be expecting. The ISTP is currently running a process in his or her head comparing your suggestion with calendar dates, traffic information, public transportation timetables, weather prognosis, dress codes and the like. Don't get disheartened - it doesn't mean that the suggestion was a bad one, it just takes time to make up one's mind. The feelings don't come easily to ISTP ; everything needs to be rationalized with cold logic. If you are unhappy with the reaction, bring up the issue a while later (say, from a couple of hours onwards) and ask what they think of it then.
The ISTP will never be the life or the death of the party. Most of the discussions going on are probably about issues of which the ISTP finds no reason to have or present an opinion. Angie's baby, June's wallpapers, Tom and Jane's kiss in the previous party, a recent political scandal, Charlie's retirement and Shirley's vacation plans are good examples of these. This sort of talk is mainly done for bonding, relieving tension - or for social engineering reasons. Knowledge about such matters doesn't give any advantage for any matter an ISTP understands, as succeeding in social engineering would require at least generic interest in people in general. Also, an Darrell's will seldom feel the need to bond with a bunch of random people, and a leisurely chat with them doesn't really relax an ISTP , either. It still doesn't mean that an ISTP would be automatically bored out of their wits, though. They can phase off during a boring phase in a discussion and get back to the normal listening mode when the topic changes to something more general. If you want to engage the ISTP in a discussion, try talking about something that's not directly connected with someone you know. Even if you'd know what's going on with those people, the ISTP has probably missed the whole thing and has no interest in their business, either. In general, anything that wouldn't have a Wikipedia page is a bad choice. Angie has got a baby? Uninteresting. Toy shops have created a de-facto segregation policy by colour coding the shelves pink or blue? Possibly interesting. Shirley wants to drive a car to the other coast? Uninteresting. How could a van be transformed into a recreational vehicle? Now we're talking!
An upset ISTP ?
When an ISTP gets upset, it usually implicates problems in either understanding something or being understood. For this reason, patting a steaming ISTP on the head and explaining how you understand exactly how they feel is quite a bad idea.
First, you need to figure out what the ISTP is upset about. You may think you already know the reason, but let me tell you: it's not that. It might be related to the issue you're thinking about, but your angle is wrong, anyway. Can you read an ISTP when they are in their normal mood? Almost certainly not! And you are even less likely to be able to read one when they are upset.
What may be the problem is that either the ISTP doesn't understand something they want to understand or they feel that you (or someone else) doesn't understand their point of view. In most cases when an ISTP is very upset, their inferior feeling function comes to the fore, and they may lash out - especially if you overload their already overloaded Fe by nagging or pleading with them to open up.
What you can do, however, is show that you are interested. Ask what is wrong. If the question is dodged with "Nothing", the issue may be a serious one. If you get a half-arsed answer, like "I'm just not feeling that good", you're in luck: the ISTP wants to talk. However, proceed with caution, as many ISTP resent percieved intrusions into their personal space, and an ISTP whose hackles are already raised may be oversensitive to those intrusions.
Like all people, ISTP sometimes have problems that they unknowingly create themselves. This can be desperately obvious to observers, but invisible to the ISTP . If you absolutely must suggest a change of course to an ISTP who is sabotaging them self, the easiest way is to first wait until they have calmed down. Avoid implicating that you intuitively know what is wrong and how it should be fixed; you will come across as insulting the ISTP ability to analyze. Instead, approach it in a way the ISTP can understand: clearly lay out your facts and how you analyzed them to reach your conclusion. If they ask for evidence and you have none, however, they will find it very difficult to believe you.
A ISTP giving short nonsensical answers?
If you ask an ISTP how they are, and you get an answer "I was having some trouble, but it's all right now" - that is, short pieces of random information, conveying no clearly understandable message - there are two possible reasons for it. Firstly, it may be an interest check. ISTP don't like talking to walls, which is why the wall (you) is presented with a choice: do you want to hear the story, or are you just small talking? A person that is not really interested will take this answer as a generic "Fine." and move onto another topic. If you're interested, though, you are supposed to ask what they mean. Secondly, however, a more unhealthy ISTP may not be checking your interest; they may be merely coping with their emotions by pretending they do not exist. If this is the case, they will become even more upset due to your perceived prying and your implication that they actually have feelings. If your ISTP reacts this way, leave them alone, and gently bring up the issue again later; if you know the ISTP cares about you, try telling them you just want to understand them, and they may begin to let you in.
The conversation might feel quite a lot like pulling a tooth for an inexperienced person. You have to understand, though, that ISTP value privacy. This may mean that 1) they feel like they are forcing their personal issues on others without consent, or 2) they feel like their mental space is being intruded on. Both issues require a gentle hand to work though.
If you are a close friend to the ISTP in question, and you're still presented with an interest check, it means that the issue at hand is somehow difficult for the ISTP , but that they would really like to talk about it. You're actually asked to show interest in the issue! The only thing you need to do is to prove them that you're genuinely interested in what they have to say. You're being asked to encourage the ISTP to tell the story as they want to tell it. To do that, use the following questions every time the ISTP halts the story:
- Oh, what's the matter?
- I don't want to pry, but if you'd like to talk, I'm listening.
- Please, continue.
- Can you elaborate?
- What do you mean by that?
- How do you mean?
Do not make the mistake of asking specific questions, like "How did your boss react to that?" while the ISTP is telling about his or her work performance. If you bring up something that the ISTP deems unimportant, you're forcing them to abandon their current train of thought to accommodate your irrational need. If you do that often enough, the chances are that the ISTP finds you a difficult person to talk with, uninterested in what they have to say - or simply selfish. The whole point of the interest check is to see whether you are interested in the ISTP , interested enough to be let into the story. Every time you mess up the ISTP 's line of thought, you're changing the focus from them to yourself, and that's an impolite thing to do.
An ISTP that "nothing" is wrong with?
If you ask what is the matter with the ISTP and the answer is "Nothing", followed by a silence it may mean one of two things. Either there is actually nothing wrong - which is true in most cases - or there is a major problem plaguing the ISTP.
You could try the following although not required in most cases - in the given order:
Communicating. It is possible that the ISTP still wants to tell what is wrong, but needs some extra encouragement. You can help this by telling them that you would like to hear what's wrong, but that the decision whether to talk is the ISTP alone. If you get short, nonsensical answers, then pry gently. If you get weird looks or short, grumpy growls, you have misjudged, and the Darrell's really was fine all along. Don't push it any further.
Leaving the ISTP alone. Do not leave them for a long period of time if you want to appear caring, but it can be a good idea to reset the situation by removing yourself from the scene for a couple of minutes. The basic moods can change quite fast, but if left alone for too long, the ISTP might fall into a Ti-Ni -loop.
Changing the atmosphere. This works specially after letting the situation reset. Find a reason to leave the premises you currently are and present the idea to the ISTP with enthusiasm. It doesn't need to be anything complicated, a simple: "Let's go and have a drink / ice cream / coffee!" or any activity the ISTP enjoys. Don't let the ISTP lethargy pull the energy out of you - they will probably try that. Drag the Darrell's out of the house and keep them in the present time: notice the smell of the flowers, the colour of the sky, the funny looking type on the sidewalk, etc. Keep them busy a while with the world around you, and they will calm down. Have fun.
Rinse and repeat. Afterwards, at least hours, but maybe even a day or two later you can try communicating again. Asking what was it that got the ISTP so moody is a sign of concern, just remember to always leave the ISTP the choice whether to answer the questions or not. Don't press for an answer, but be there if they want to talk.
A stubborn, hurt ISTP , consumed by "stupid pride"?
There are two ways to deal with an ISTP when they are hurt, or consumed by "stupid pride": refusing to stand back - let them cool down for a short while (maybe a distraction is needed first) and then analyze with them what the heck happened - or wait for x hours / until the next day and behave as nothing ever happened. The first option is more difficult but gives better results although the ISTP would prefer the second in all honesty.
Edited by Rick James